11/01/06 Kids Can Be So Cruel Some people never hurt a fly their entire lives. Some people may have tried the old 'focusing a magnifying glass over a line of ants on a sunny day' trick as kids, and felt horrible about it afterwards. Some people capture small animals and force their bidding upon the helpless wretches, mocking their torturous predicament, hoisting them up by thread tied around their fragile little limbs and making them dance around like MC Hammer puppets, all while wearing a mink coat, leather underwear and pork-chop shoes, and singing "What A Wonderful World". The star of our latest strip is one of these three types of people - guess which one! ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the latest strip ||

09/10/06 Some Knowledge Of Prison Slang Required Greetings, friends! It is our hope that your summers have been full, blasphemous, and full of broken taboos that, while maybe not illegal, would certainly raise one, and possibly even two eyebrows of disapproval among even the most liberal of circles. Those of you that have contravened the law of the land while we've been gone may do well to study the latest strip closely, for we take you deep inside the walls of Pound Me In The Ass federal penitentiary , for a glimpse at the nuanced social customs under which you might find yourselves living before the year is out. The rest of you goody two-shoes' out there can educate yourselves from a safe distance here. ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

07/04/06 MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAAT!! Those of you who have complained at the lack of vicious, in-your-face, visceral combat action in Where's My Parade?, silence your quibbling! Head over to Webcomic Battle, and marvel at our animal bloodlust as we decapitate, disembowel and teabag the corpses of other comics that would dare face us while grinning like the Cheshire-friggin'-Cat. That's the idea anyways... Go vote right now, and decide whether yours truly extends his dark reign of terror over his fellow webcomics, or simply ends his days with some good ole 'baggin'. ~ The Ringmaster || ||

07/02/06 A Generous Reward Well shit on my chest, here's another (minor) update. Random digital travels have allowed me to stumble across Otto Germain's Comic Wasteland, an outstanding collection of fledgeling strips. Check out the twisted genius of Ottocomic ("Must harness the cuteness" - ha!), the sheer Seinfeld-esque sitcom brilliance of Soup and get yourself up to speed on reality with The Pretentious History of Everything. Otto, our firstborn are yours to do with as you please. ~ The Ringmaster || ||

06/30/06 Tusk, tusk In celebration of Where's My Parade? surviving its wanderings in the no-man's land known as domain renewal, we have a new strip to tickle...well, whatever you like, really. After all, what red-blooded guy (or gal) wouldn't find a beating at the hands of a bitch riding a walrus appealing? ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the latest strip ||

06/11/06 Do Not Adjust Your Television Set Some of you may experience service outages over the next few days as we migrate Where's My Parade? to a hosting service with fees that don't require a second mortgage. In the words of science-fiction demigod Douglas Adams, "Don't Panic!", and "Ringmaster, get the hell off my porch, before I call the cops, you shit-eating bastard". ~ The Ringmaster || ||

05/31/06 Cliffs Notes Whatever, it's only been 3 months in the making, shut yer collective sound-holes. Rather than bore you with excuses, I will instead give you the short and sweet version of what has happened to your beloved Crayola-monkey in recent months past: Started a comic - scrapped it. Started a comic - scrapped it. Killed a man with a trident - served time. Started a comic - finished it...? ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

02/25/06 Stranger Than Fiction In a small departure from the (ab)norm(al), this update hits closer to reality than most. My anti-feline vitriol stems from my current cranky disposition towards my cat. Sure, I stand with most pet owners worldwide in enjoying upwells of gushy loving emotion upon sight of her cute, furry, fluffy adorableness. But if you woke up to this every goddamn morning with a funny taste in your mouth and sphincter-prints all over your face, your Violent-Bloodlust-O-MeterTM would probably go up to eleven, too. ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

02/14/06 I'm Burning/Flaking/Itching For You There's really nothing funny about STD's...Apart from genital warts, that shit is hilarious - nothing woos the ladies better than a pee-pee that looks like a gremlin after a shower. In other news, this made me laugh a lot. White Ninja, you so crazee. ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

01/22/06 Guerillas In Our Midst Once, on a long flight back from the midwest, I had a 3-hour layover in glamorous Newark, NJ - a time just bursting with opportunities to eat $14 sandwiches, watch other cattle shuffle to and from their respective flying machines, and piss. Tempting as the other two options were, I opted for the latter. At the time, the heady combination of fatigue, and honed reflexes as to the typical bathroom procedure gave me a rather detached view of the events that followed. Neurons fired, and commanded my legs to stagger to the nearest bathroom, my arms to shove the door open, my eyes to locate a vacant stall, hands to direct my pee, my head to nod to my wife as she emerged from the next stall over, and finally my legs again to sprint out of the women's room ahead of a shocked and shouting group of them with my fly still half-unzipped. Optimists would have regarded the fly as half-up, however this group didn't seem to contain any with such a sunny disposition. The latest strip contains but a taste of the horrors I have dredged up from the repressed memories of my brief journey behind enemy lines. Prepare yourselves, Men - your would-be rulers walk among us. ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

01/09/06 Better Late Than...uh, Dead... Welcome, fellow chrononauts, to to the year of someone's Lord MMXVI! The latest strip is to me, the webcomic equivalent of the awesome, crushing and unassailable comeback that you think of a few minutes after the complete public dismantling of your highschool "rep" with a well-placed mother reference. Late, yes, but may the gods help the next one to cross you now that you possess this singular verbal tool of destruction. Yeah, yeah, wishful thinking, but bleh. New subject: the mundanities of those society at large holds up to be great fascinate me, and who out of our myriad craven 'gods' must have to deal with the most mundane (by which I mean the material things you want) than the Coca Cola Corporation's home-grown god himself, Saint Nick? Keeping score of the samaritans and sinners, organizing list after list, and each December 26th, enduring the brightly burning flames of hatred from well over 75% of the population who inevitably received chotchkeys other than what they were hoping for. Careful children - maybe Santa will tire of your two-faced, 11 months of hate paired with 3 weeks of boot-licking optimism each year. Sometime, Santa may get someone to cover for him on Christmas Eve...someone who unflinchingly delivers the same cold gift to everyone... ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

11/20/05 Regrettable Decisions 4 stress-ridden weeks, several bunches of frustration-torn hair and an almost total meltdown of my psyche later, I am now wiser: doing comics in color SUCKS with a capital 'Fuck'. Still, one just cannot render the joy-filled frivolity of Super Mario's latest adventure in plain ol' B&W. In other news, I actually have something upbeat that I wish to muse on: $100 laptops. After pondering the implications of this wonderful device, I have concluded that with a global distribution, it is going to turn the world as we know it on its fucking ear. As a side note, I cried a single melancholy tear when I realized some of its specs are actually better than my own machine... For too long, the domain of the Internet (no pun intended) has been accessible only to those lucky enough to live in the relative wealth of more developed countries. With equal access to the massively educational tool, (our Library of Babel, almost), that we call the internet, the underpriviledged will find a voice. I, for one, cannot wait to hear what they have to say...here's hoping it's something more interesting than "LOL - a/s/l wanna cybR?" ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

10/16/05 Technicolor Nipple Technology Two words have stood resolute between myself and completion of this latest twisted incarnation of WMP's black-as-tar humor: Xbox Live. Having only had myself to play with all my life, the introduction of other warm, fleshy bodies into the mix has opened the door to another world. Like a virgin, indeed. Of course, I was sad to see the equation that holds the Internet together still rings truer than ever, even in a supposedly friendly venue (i.e. average guy + complete anonymity = absolute asshole). In less than two months, I've heard just about all possible variations and uses of the word 'Fag', coupled with numerous other adjectives, verbs and even a couple pronouns (I think I heard a 'niner' in there one time). Still, feel free to play with me, if you don't conform to said equation; I don't bite, or press charges. I will, however, shoot, gib, stab, decapitate and generally hurt you in a psychologically damaging manner. You won't have to worry about me questioning your sexuality, either - I ruthlessly butcher all creeds, colors and orientations! At the end of the day, we're all pink and slightly gooey on the inside - as our gigolo friend Enrique finds out in this latest strip... ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

08/28/2005 'Thwunt', indeed Homies and sistas, let us pour out some malt liquor for one of our own, World Loser Awards. Loser, as it liked to be known, believed in reincarnation, so who knows where or when it'll be popping up next? Another casualty of this month's update is the practice of revealing upcoming titles ahead of time. The fevered grinding of brain-gears as they tried to decipher the meaning behind the cryptic titles was one of the things that kept me going between updates, but saying "Coming Soon!" and changing the strip at the last second just isn't cricket. Malevolent little dick-tease as I am, one must also maintain a certain sense of decorum about such matters. As a completely unrelated topic, if any of you medieval assassins out there can educate me about the correct onomatapeic word for the sound of an arrow hitting a human torso, you know where to find me. For the time being, I find 'Thwunt' to be quite amusing. ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

08/14/2005 Pardon the intermission No, no, there's no new strip just yet, although one is on the way, my preciouses. Instead of fresh, wriggling comic-flesh for your hungry gnashers, I come bearing instead defence for the latest Hollywood lead balloon, Stealth. As soon as the press releases for this excuse to lounge in the air-conditioned movie theater hit the wire, the sound of critics' knives sharpening against the collective whetstone of cynicism was palpable in its anticipation. My personal expectations for the movie had taken up residence in the basement, and perhaps that is why I say what I am about to say. I liked Stealth. I liked it a lot. I will probably buy the DVD. Don't get me wrong, there was a high fromage-to-storyline ratio in the dialog, they offed the black guy within the first 1/2 hour of the movie (a SAG union requirement for minority membership, I hear), and there is a whole 10 to 15 minutes that basically serves as a Jessica Biel T&A bikini shoot in Thailand. All of these things I foresaw, and could live with. What Stealth does offer, is a blinding sense of speed, a whole 10 to 15 minutes that basically serves as a Jessica Biel T&A bikini shoot in Thailand, and sick aerial maneuvers that will send any plane geek like myself sprinting to the nearest Navy recruitment office. It's all basically a live-action version of Macross Plus, and it's a darn good attempt. I fully realize I am in the miniscule minority with this opinion. In my mind, I envision myself as (to quote Vince Vaughan) the geek in the PG-13 high-school movie that everyone's really hoping can make it happen. With this simple statement, the audience of my vastly cooler peers sits stunned by my courageous impromptu speech; one student starts clapping, and then another, and another, until the applause and cheering grows to a raucous standing ovation - the picture fades to black as I am hoisted on the shoulders of the crowd, a hero always to be remembered. But this isn't 1987, and I'm not Ronald Miller. Fuck it, go see the movie with the expectation that it'll make you want to gouge out your own eyes, and you'll be surprised with a pleasant finger poke instead. ~ The Ringmaster

07/30/2005 Dog days of summer It'd be a cold day in hell before I'd allow my acidic cynicism to ruin the joy that Clifford the Big Red Dog brings into the lives of children the world over - indeed, PBS is the cosy, relatively unbiased home of a number of my favorite shows (did you hear the latest on who's fucking who in Frontier House? No-one - they're all starving!). But you've seen the pictures, the sheer scale of this benign behemoth. A family member of this size presents major logistical issues, not least of which are the tree-trunk sized logs of shit that must appear daily on the Howard family's lawn, or the writhing, mucousy, anaconda-like worms ol' Cliff must leave behind while scooting along the tattered remains of the living room carpet. But the real issue is none of these things. Look into the always-upturned faces of the people next time you manage to catch an episode. You know what they're thinking - we're all thinking it: "His wang must be HUGE"... ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

07/15/2005 Don't Phunk With My Heart/Spleen/Liver Yes, yes, quit your whining. Instead of focusing on the unbearable chasm of time between updates, I bid you marvel as I rise, phoenix-like from the ashes. Everything has a reason, and mine is that I work in technology - unlike millions of honest, salt-of-the-earth folk who build houses, feed the nation and do various other useful things to keep society ticking over, I push pixels instead of ploughs. ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

06/19/2005 A Celebration Of Tolerance Viruses, career changes and multiple counts of public drunkeness have all gathered around their shadowy conspiracy-table to conspire against me this month, thwarting my every effort to throw some fresh strip-meat to the masses. Alas, they stamp their intangible feet, and gnash their metaphorical teeth, for I am finally victorious! In addition to a new strip, I have finally come across some other strips that I have deemed more than worthy of your peepage: In the thick, gruel-like substance that is the mediocrity of webcomic-dom, VG Cats and Urban Myth are filet mignon - please, Sir, may I have some more? I suggest you fill your bellies in all haste. Until then, I trust you will look forward to the next strip, which like the others, has all the class and tact of a fart in a eulogy. ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||

05/30/2005 Super 10th Strip Sweaty Fun Extravaganza! Yes, yes, welcome one and all to Where's My Parade?'s 10th strip-iversary! As you can see, this is more than just a cosmetic change that you're peeping. The sweaty clamor for more of my drivel was becoming deafening, so now you may gorge yourselves upon the rotten carcass of my words, you jackals! In other announcements, Where's My Parade? no longer finds sick amusement in posting multiple 'coming soon' tabs and then dashing your pathetic hopes against the rocks of futility - as fun as it was, we are searching for ever darker and more sordid methods of your torture for our own twisted enjoyment. . . From now on, our powers of clairvoyance will only extend out to one upcoming strip. We would tell you not to fear, offering instead some methadone-like replacement for your pain-wracked withdrawal symptoms, but we don't have one. So be very afraid. ~ The Ringmaster || || Read the strip ||